Changing Yesterday


Have you, at any time, found yourself in the position of feeling emotions you shouldn’t feel?

I believe all of us have, at some point in our lives.

There are moments we feel angry and wish to lash out at a person who hurts us by spreading lies, or believing things about us, which aren’t true. Anger wells inside us and we feel like fighting, or screaming and yelling, to vent our frustration. We feel it rewards us somehow by hurting the person who has hurt us.
Well, when we react in anger, we often say and do things we regret, no matter how good we felt at the time.

A close friend of mine shed a new light on anger, to me, recently. These were the exact words spoken: “Anger takes up too much time-a luxury I cannot afford.”

I thought it was an interesting choice of words and noticed myself thinking about it over and over again. The more I thought, the more it made sense to me.

I thought of recent episodes in my own life when I felt angry, for one reason or another.
I thought about the times I’d leave a room, and then sputter off, unintelligibly.
I thought of how much energy was consumed by feeling this anger.
It is only now that I realize how much of my time it wasted-time I could have spent praying, instead of clenching my teeth; time I could have been using to meditate on things to be thankful for instead of playing these scenarios, which made me angry, over and over in my mind; time I could have been using to make people laugh, instead of withdrawing into my own world of anger; time I could have been exercising patience, while instead I was complaining.

Of course, I don’t feel anger all the time, thank God! In fact, there are many times I feel anger and the people around me don’t realize it. I thank God for that, too, but I realize when I’m angry, and I don’t like the way I feel when I become angry. I don’t like that Norma, at all, and I don’t trust her much either.
I like the Norma who smiles a lot, who jokes and laughs. I like the Norma who finds a reason to rejoice, when her friends and family members break her heart. I like the Norma who speaks or writes words to uplift others who are feeling discouraged or disheartened.
I like the Norma who turns to God to provide all her needs...

But I’m human, and despite my heart’s desire to be perfect, I realize I am not.
I have feelings like everyone else, regardless of the fact that I’m a Christian.
I have moments of weakness-moments when I feel angry or discouraged or disillusioned with aspects of my life.
During those times, I, too, have to remember who Jesus is and who I am, as His child. It’s not always easy, though.
Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to set my own path, but I know that wouldn’t work out.
Sometimes I feel like doing, or saying, whatever I want, but I know that wouldn’t work out, either. I need my conscience to be my guide, for that’s when I’m most comfortable.

So, perhaps some of us find ourselves in the same position and wonder what to do.

I have two ideas:
-we can adopt the attitude of my friend, that anger is a waste of time, if that anger is not able to produce good results- to be productive.
-we can be resolved to be the Christian Jesus desires us to be.

He knows it’s not easy. He did walk upon the Earth Himself about 2000 years ago, enduring temptation, knowing hunger and thirst, and feeling exhaustion and heartache.
He laughed but He also cried.
He felt triumph but He also knew sorrow.
He knew what it was like for His friends to turn their backs on Him- to deny they knew Him, and it hurt Him as it hurts us.

Yet, despite it all, He had hope in His soul, which helped Him endure whatever trials He had to face. This hope came from one place-His Father, in Heaven.
This same hope is available to us, regardless of the emotions we are experiencing on any given day.

You will notice I’ve focussed on anger, since this is the problem I’ve been having the most trouble with lately.
However, there are other phases or situations which people go through.
Some people find themselves wishing for more and more, becoming greedier, and more selfish, each passing day.
Some experience boredom, and seek thrills in the wrong places. They have no respect for people or their property. They don’t care what damage they cause, or what emotions they evoke, as long as they can get a quick thrill.
Some feel emotions towards others they shouldn’t feel, whether it is covetousness, jealousy, hatred, or some other destructive emotion.

These emotions have a great capability to lead people astray. All too often, they think with their emotions rather than their intellect, and find themselves in areas they wish to have avoided.

They feel trapped by their circumstances and wonder what to do - which direction to turn.
Some have lied and now wonder how to set the record straight, without bringing wrath upon themselves.
Some have acted in haste, while angry, and now find themselves behind prison walls.
Some have felt lonely and rejected and been welcomed by the wrong crowds. Now they sniff and snort drugs into their noses, or shoot heroine up their arms. Some desire to break free from the addiction, but can’t seem to succeed.
Some have become alcoholics - using alcohol as a crutch - drinking whenever a problem arises, instead of facing the problem, and working through it.
Others have left home in a rage and joined gangs, only to regret the decision, but they’re trapped-they can’t get out.
Others are in relationships they wish to be freed from, and they’re depressed, and contemplating suicide.
Others seek solace outside the home because their needs are not being met at home.

I’ve written a poem for those who find themselves in these positions, and I hope they find some encouragement from it.



Changing Yesterday

What I did was wrong.
It couldn’t be right.
It’s kept me awake
night after night.

If I could change
Yesterday
I’d go to my knees
and then I’d pray.

I wouldn’t get up
‘til I felt peace-
inside my soul
felt some release.

But, here I am
Can’t change my past-
and only what’s done
for Christ will last.

I’ve made a mess
and I feel lost.
For my emotions,
I’ve paid a cost.

Now here I sit-
I’m feeling blue
and I’m wondering
just what to do.

I must get up-
must face my fears
allow Jesus
to dry my tears.

He’ll walk beside me-
in this I’ll trust,
and if I fall down-
get up I must.

For eternity
is much too long
to live without
a joyful song.

Copyright 2005 Norma Budden-Aningat

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